The Secret Life of Honest Abe

Media outlets are attacking Tea Party patrons as secessionists, brothers are fighting brothers over health care, and the Obamaconomy is in worse shape than the Reconstruction South.  In these trying political times, we could all use some patriotic inspiration from the man who united the country and defined liberty "for all:" Abraham Lincoln.  Lincoln was a great orator, a magnanimous countryman, and a determined, decisive, persuasive leader at a time when we needed one most.  But Lincoln had another lesser-known skill, a hunger that drove him to power: he killed vampires.

Look, I didn't make this up.  It's no secret I love dinosaurs first and zombies second and then probably mummies third and then vampires next.  So if I'd made this up, you guys would have every right to assume I'd finally gone off the deep end.  But it's not me this time!  It's Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I would totally read if I didn't hate Jane Austin so much.

His book came out last month and it's already gotten a movie deal with big names behind it.  Tony Kushner (the Tony-award winning playwright behind Angels in America) and Tim Burton (movie master of the underworld and black-and-white stripes) have teamed up to adapt his novel.  It's easy to see why: make a list of five things that you want to see a movie about.  Go ahead.  Now cross off "boobs" and what do you have left?
  1. Historical figures;
  2. Vampires;
  3. Adventure;
  4. Tall People.
    BAM!  This combo means AL:VH could potentially be the greatest famous-dead-person-versus-supernatural-villain movie since Bubba Ho-Tep.*

    Unfortunately, as we all know, Lincoln's life wasn't all slave-freeing and vampire-killing. He met a tragic fate in a theater at the hands of John Wilkes Booth.  But at least he died with dignity:

    (That was "The Whitest Kids U Know," one of my favorite sketch troupes. They're weird and hilarious, like "Kids in the Hall" only less...Canadian.)

    *In Bubba Ho-Tep, Elvis (Bruce Campell) teams up with a Black JFK (Ossie Davis) to battle an Egyptian mummy who attacks their nursing home.  It is definitely as awesome as it sounds:

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