More About Zombies (Duh)

I wanted to share a great email with you guys, because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who received it.
This is all true, and what a great episode it was.  Now, I'm not going to review every episode of "The Walking Dead," like I did the first two, but I will say that the third episode was back to awesome, and I hope tonight's is just as spot on.

I was, however, totally disappointed to learn that there are only going to be six episodes. Apparently, "The Walking Dead," in the tradition of "Eastbound and Down," is going to be a micro-season™ (I'm a lawyer and I totally just trademarked that).  Which is lame because six episodes is an inappropriately paltry number; it's a television tease.

I understand that only producing six episodes allowed "Dead" to put a lot of money and time into each one without risking a mid-season cancellation.  But that's stupid, because what zombie show is going to get canceled?  Unless zombies take over and kill all of the network CEOs and take it off the air because the zombies feels like the show is degrading to them.  Which would require the zombies to be pretty sensitive to their portrayal in the media, and if that were the case, I don't think "Dead" would be the first to go.  And outside of that scenario, I think it's is pretty safe.

(Awkward segue alert.) You know what else is safe? Having this be your beside table:

It's a zombie-defense nightstand.  That's right. And there's a helpful illustration of how you would use it when attacked.  Notably, the image doesn't actually show zombies attacking you, per se, but I think the shady, gray, comic-type character implies it. Though, now that I think about it, that shady, gray, faceless character looks a little sketchy himself. He doesn't exactly look like he's sleeping in the first one...More like...he's dead? And what's with that unsteady stagger in the second frame?

Holy shit I think that guy is a zombie! That means this nightstand is FOR zombies! What kind of zombie-loving manufacturer made this horrible zombie-weapon to arm zombies? Wow, you guys are so lucky I caught this before you bought an item clearly marketed toward zombies. I wish someone were paying me per use of the word "zombie."

My friend (disclosure: she's not my friend) The Bloggess had another criticism of this item. She was worried that you'd step on the little piece of metal on the nightstand once you dismantled it, and then you'd be bleeding everywhere and "distracted because you have a nightstand base stuck in your foot like you’re some sort of terrible shish-kabob."

Yeah, you would, if you were human. But this little design flaw is just more proof this nightstand was made by zombies, for zombies.  They can't tell if a loose nail is stuck in their foot anyway, so it was easy to overlook.  I mean seriously, this is unacceptable.  And don't you try to tell me that the hand holding the shield looks "human," because obviously the zombies just hired a model.  AND THEN ATE HIM.
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Write comments
November 22, 2010 at 9:46 AM delete

This is the sole reason I never became a shield model: because sometimes zombies hire you to eat you.

November 22, 2010 at 10:07 AM delete

Plus, wouldn't it take a while to unscrew and set up before you were ready to fight the zombie?

Let's just hope he rings the doorbell first; that way, you'll have time to prepare! ;-)

Alison Lee
November 22, 2010 at 11:39 AM delete

Preston: I know how many shield-modeling contracts you've turned down, I just never knew the reason. Thanks for sharing your story.

Michael: Yes, this is clearly a very flawed defense-mechanism (unlike my sense of humor). But, to be fair, if it fell apart more easily, then it would be a very flawed nightstand...Trade-offs, I guess.

November 22, 2010 at 4:02 PM delete

You're so lucky to have friends that email you with such insightful commentary.

I want this nightstand so badly that I am willing to become a zombie just so i can buy that defense night stand and fend off any meddlesome humans that won't leave me alone and try to kill me while I sleep. Maybe I'll head into Atlanta after work and see if I can find a zombie from last night's show to infect me.


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