See You Next Tuesday (John Edwards)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's first regular weekly column. Each Tuesday, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure. See previous editions here.  

Today's See You Next Tuesday is brought to you by the letters "S-E-X".  That's right, SEX!  Specifically, deviant sex.  Specifically, the kind of horrible, deviant sex that ruins lives. Who knew deviant sex could ruin lives? Oh, right. Everyone.

1. First there's this elementary school principle who just got off the hook because all he did was paste pictures of children's faces on naked adult bodies, which is totally not child pornography because the naked bodies were not children! And it wasn't like the faces were of his students or anything.  Oh wait, yes they were.

2. Second, good ole Julian Assange (whom you might remember as "Ju Ass" from last week's See You Next Tuesday), the infamous for the Wikileaks proprietor, was just arrested on rape charges. RAPE.  It turns out our national security isn't the only thing Ju Ass has been raping. 

3. Finally, there's John Edwards, scumbag extraordinaire.  John Edwards is such a despicable loser that I've frequently contemplated giving him his own See You Next Tuesday.  But, until today, he hadn't made any recent news.  First some background:

John Edward's wife of 32 years, Elizabeth, was diagnosed with cancer in 2007, amid her husband's presidential campaign.  Edwards responded by refusing to stop his campaign, having an affair with campaign "videographer" Rielle Hunter, and fathering a child out of wedlock. While repeatedly denying he was the child's father, and in fact demanding that another staffer claim paternity, Edwards made a sex tape with Rielle where she was "visibly pregnant." Barf.

Hypocrite of the Year Award 2009
Then he got in trouble for paying Rielle to be quiet with campaign funds and not reporting the expenditure. And for generally being a dirty, disgusting hypocrite.  But my very, very favorite moment of John Edward's utter douche-baggery is this: according to the New York Times,
"Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band." 
Because everyone knows that a couple bars of "Ants Marching" makes your dead wife and your illegitimate child okay, right?  Who can be angry while Dave is playing?  I mean, his music just has such a rich, pure sound... God, I want to punch John Edwards in the face so hard.

They just saw your sex tape.
So, this morning, Elizabeth Edwards, who's lived the last years of her life in a nightmare of a scandal and a pending divorce, announced that she's discontinuing her cancer treatment.  Her cancer has spread to her liver, and apparently there's nothing more the doctors can do. Where is her estranged husband during her final weeks?  Probably getting his hair cut.

Well, that's all for this week, folks. See You Next Tuesday! 

Very sad update: Elizabeth Edwards passed away this afternoon. 
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Write comments
Scott V
December 7, 2010 at 11:47 AM delete

To be fair, a little Dave usually goes a long way when I get agitated.

Ben L
December 8, 2010 at 11:48 AM delete

To be fair, Assange wasn't really accused of rape. He's being charged with "Sex by Surprise". Which sounds way more friendly.


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