See You Next Tuesday (Rap Camp)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure. If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see. You can read previous editions here.

Living Social, a popular online coupon site, featured the following deal today:

You can click to make it bigger and read all the entertaining words and letters!

That's right, a kids hip-hop themed summer camp at a theater in Smyrna.  For those of you who don't live in Georgia, Smyrna is located in Cobb County, whose residents are teasingly (and largely accurately?) called "Cobb Snobs."  According to Wikipedia, the population of Smyrna is 59.4% White, 27.2% African American, and, unfortunately for the little Latino kid in the advertisement, only 13.8% Hispanic.  Smyrna is also the hometown and former constituency of conservative Congressman Bob Barr, who is most famous outside of Georgia for being the first Representative to call for President Clinton's impeachment. So yeah, it's not the place you think of for hip-hop camp.

Obviously, when I saw the Living Social deal I visited the website of Smyrna's "Artportunity Knocks" theater.  They had the following explanation of the camp:
HIP-HOP EXTREME is the only Hip Hop summer camp in [North Metro] Atlanta with a focus on keeping Hip Hop positive! [Your White, suburban] Kids will learn the Art of Hip Hop Dance Styles, Hip Hop Music, Hip Hop History and be surprised by a national recording [as distinct from "famous"] Hip Hop artist! Hundreds of kids and teens will experience a life transforming moment when they get to write, produce, record and perform their own song AND get a demo CD of their work!
Unfortunately, the site doesn't post a detailed schedule for what the kids learn over their week at Hip-Hop Extreme.  So I had to imagine one for all of us, and in my mind, it looks like this:
  • Notorious 
    • Morning: viewing of the critically-acclaimed and completely accurate film Notorious followed by quiz on the same;
    •  Afternoon: East Coast vs. West Coast: Part 1.
  • Tu Pac Tuesday: 
    • Morning: East Coast vs. West Coast: Part 2; 
    • Afternoon: Why premature death by gang-war gunfire will only help your career.
  • Wigger Wednesday: 
  • Are you Eminem? Didn't think so.
    • Morning: Why Eminem can pull it off and you can’t; 
    • Afternoon: Readying your single for radio-play: using alternatives to the n-bomb to avoid the “ain’t messin' wit no broke, broke” radio remix.
  • Imma Let You Finish, Thursday, but Friday Is the Best Weekday of All Time. All Time!
    • Morning: Awards show etiquette;
    • Lunch Break: Go Fish (played with race cards); 
    • Afternoon: Egomaniacal twitter feed as self-parody.
  • Fergalicious Friday: 
    • Morning: How adding an ethnically-ambiguous girl pop singer can catapult your unheard-of hip hop group to sudden fame;
    • Afternoon: Why is a better name than, (hint: which one sounds like the $15 happy hour sampler platter at a chain restaurant); 
    • Evening extra credit: ruining the Superbowl with nothing but 14 minutes and illuminated shirts.
  • Snoop Doggy-Dog Saturday: 
    • Morning: how to be the public figurehead for an illegal drug while getting arrested slightly less than you’d expect;
    • Afternoon: try at home;
    • Evening extra credit: Who's your bail bondsman?
  • Rockin' the Suburbs Sunday: 
    • Morning:  Final rap battle performances. (Popular featured topics: "Parents Just Don't Understand," "All My Friends Are in Pre-Cal But I'm Still in Algebra," "Got a '3' on My AP U.S. History Test Which is Still Passing but Not Good Enough For a Merit Scholarship," "My Neighborhood's Pool Doesn't Open Until Memorial Day But It's Hot Outside Now;")
    • Afternoon: hide in dumpster from the Black kids who heard about your rap battle performance. 
Man, don't you want to go to Hip-Hop Extreme Camp in Smyrna, Georgia?  Luckily there are still a few hours left to snag this deal. Thanks Living Social! And I'll See You Next Tuesday. 
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Write comments
May 10, 2011 at 10:26 AM delete

Alison, it's like this post was meant for my birthday. Who inappropriately knows the word to every hip hop song and sings it with gusto? That's right, me. If only they had this class back in the day in North Fulton. It could have been awesome... I could have broken into the hip hop scene... Why do the Cobb Snobs get everything???

Sean Woods
May 10, 2011 at 4:48 PM delete

Really funny post! Reminded of this video from a guy from Chattahoochee - I guess he went to Hip Hop Extreme every summer!

May 10, 2011 at 6:26 PM delete This comment has been removed by the author.
May 10, 2011 at 6:27 PM delete

Do not besmirch such a regal title. As a member of the elite social class crassly referred to by plebeians as the "East Cobb Snobs", I would not deign to consort with some hoi polloi hailing merely from "Cobb". Kindly retract your offensive generalization, madam, or appropriate actions will be taken to prevent you from further sullying our good name.


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