See You Next Tuesday (Jerry Sandusky)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here. 
 
If the child molestation allegations against ex-Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky are true, he's not exactly what you would call a "laughing matter."  He's crueler and more sinister than John Edwards, sadder and less poignant than Larry "Wide Stance" Craig.  Making jokes about someone who abused children seems uncouth, and I -- never one to be uncouth -- decided that I would take the high road and write today's See You Next Tuesday about his horrible lawyer instead.  But then this happened.

While doing my copious See You Next Tuesday research, I stumbled onto something that was absolutely too good, too meaty, too ridculous-to-be-true-but-true-I-swear, and I was forced to share on the blog immediately.  You may be saying to yourself, but wait, Alison, didn't you make a big deal about hating events that fall into the "too easy" category?  Yes, I did; but this particular little gem falls into that category so hard that it pushes out the bottom and ends up on the other side where it's too unbelievably, ironically, terribly coincidental to be anything other than a small gift from a knowing god of all things awful and funny.  And this, readers, is what I'm talking about:


In 2001, Jerry Sandusky published an autobiography called -- wait for it --  

TOUCHED. 


HOLY SHIT JERRY SANDUSKY WROTE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CALLED TOUCHED.  PEOPLE, I CANNOT EVEN MAKE THIS STUFF UP.  THE INTERNET JUST FORCED ME TO MAKE FUN OF A CHILD MOLESTER BECAUSE HE WROTE A BOOK CALLED TOUCHED. ABOUT HIS LIFE. AFTER HE HAD ALREADY BEEN REPORTED TO POLICE FOR SHOWERING WITH A BOY!!!!!



Readers, I understand that you must be in shock and disbelief.   I understand all of your misgivings; you're thinking, "that's not true," "that's a joke," "how gullible are you?"  I, too, went through those complex stages of doubt and skepticism.  But I researched it, and it's true.  Here's the cover: 


(Please, no "click to look inside" jokes.)  Here's the larger Amazon page: 


Here's the Amazon review rated "Most Helpful:" 


Here's a story from The New York Times talking about the fact that Amazon has pulled new copies of the book, but high-priced used copies are being sold on the site.

And, to put a fine point on all this deep, deep, throbbing, pulsing irony:  here is a story from Fox News saying that this autobiography reportedly helped police find four additional victims. 
 
So, there you have it.  An autographed copy of accused child molester Jerry Sandusky's autobiography Touched is selling for two grand on Amazon.com, and that's the America we all now live in.  Next week: we look at the idiot he hired to be his lawyer.  Goodnight, everyone, I will see you next Tuesday.
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© 2015 by Alison

All of the writing on this site, unless otherwise indicated, is original and is exclusively the property of Alison. Most of the images on this site, however, are not owned by Alison. They are largely a product of a Google Image Search and intended to make viewing this site less boring. If any of the images used on this site belong to you and you would like a credit or removal, please contact me at alisonsboomstick@gmail.com.