See You Next Tuesday (Joe Amendola)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here. 
Last week, I set out to write this See You Next Tuesday, but I stumbled upon some truly shocking information and was forced by the internet to write about the worst most insanely perfect See You Next Tuesday of all time.  (All of those links go to the same post guys, full disclosure.)  Because I got distracted last week, this week, as promised, I bring you:

Jerry Sandusky Part II: The Internet Guide to Making Fun of Joe Amendola

Jerry Sandusky, as we all know, is the former Penn State assistant football coach who has been charged with 40 counts of deviate sexual intercourse with minors and attendant aggravated assault.  Up against these accusations, everyone remotely sane expected Sandusky to arm himself with the cleanest-cut, most ethically laudable attorney he could find.  Instead, in a gaffe that is second only to the title of his autobiography (that's just the same link as before, FYI. And so is this.), Sandusky has hired a lawyer who may be the second most cowardly, distasteful, corrupt person ever -- after, you know, a child molester.  Here's a little about Sandusky's attorney, Joe Amendola:

In 1996, Joe Amendola represented a 16 year-old girl named Mary Iavasile who worked in his law firm in an emancipation petition. What he didn't mention in his argument to the court at the time was the fact that Amendola was having a sexual relationship with the teenager, and eventually knocked her up.  Mary gave birth to his child at 17 years old; Amendola was 49 at the time.  (ARE YOU BARFING YET?)  SEVEN years later, in 2003, Amendola finally married his baby mama; they had another child before separating and are now "estranged."

So, yes, an accused child molester hired as his lawyer a man who impregnated a teenager when he was middle-aged.  Yes, it's disgusting, and even more, it's really stupid.  And yes, it gets worse.  Here is a photo of Amendola and his wife attending a Second Mile event.  Second Mile, of course, being the charity that Jerry Sandusky ran for little boys.  She was on the foundation's Board.

Then, in a cringe-worthy move for lawyers and lay people alike, Amendola sat next to Bob Costas in November while Jerry Sandusky phoned in the most disturbing, guilt-solidifying press maneuver since O.J. Simpson's If I Did It.  Clearly Amendola had sanctioned this interview, but Amendola doesn't appear to have prepared his client in any way, unless his instructions included: "if you are asked whether you are attracted to little boys, why don't you REPEAT THE QUESTION while you THINK ON IT?"  All told, it took Sandusky a full SIXTEEN SECONDS to complete his creepy answer, which came out:
“Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?. . . Sexually attracted? . . . No. . . .You know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.” (And it SOUNDS creepier than it reads; see below:) 

Even Jon Stewart, who is armed with all the wit in the world and an entire staff of talented comedy writers, could only react to this statement with the words, "are you fucking kidding me?"  I mean, are you, Amendola? Is this some kind of sick, terrible joke that nobody gets because we aren't the kind of people who think that grown men having sex with minors is anything but vile and horrible and gross?

But it continues.  Later in the interview Amendola told Bob Costas he trusted the man so much, he would let Jerry Sandusky babysit his kids.  In a tiny, glowing window of true, juicy, delicious irony, good old Mary Amendola, his estranged, thirty-two-years-his-junior-baby-mama, posted as her Facebook status: “OMG did Joe just say that he would allow my kids to be alone with Jerry Sandusky?” (The post was taken down shortly thereafter, and Mary briefly changed her Facebook name to the clever and mature "Mary Christmas" before removing herself from the social networking site altogether.  Amendola probably also grounded her and took away her phone.)  That lovely little tidbit eclipsed anything Amendola said, and showed the world that even Mrs. Amendola doesn't buy the Sandusky side of things.
Not funny yet?
I know this is literally unbelievable, but it gets worse/better.  My personal favorite moment of this entire scandal had to be when Amandola gave another press conference in December, presumably to clear up why he let Sandusky do the Bob Costas interview.  During the conference, Amendola suggested that anyone who believes these witnesses needs "to call 1-800 REALITY."  This number?  Definitely a gay sex hotline.

Amendola's Official Press Photo.
Amendola followed this most fabulous faux pas by inviting a whole bunch of media-types over to his home to watch football.  (Presumably they all want exclusive interviews, or are just operating on raw, irrepressible curiosity, or Amendola promised them the guys from 1-800 REALITY would be there.) Because Amendola, King of the Tactical Morons, would have no less, the evening ended in an NBC producer being arrested for a DUI.

I mean, was Joe Amendola put on this Earth just to be a bizarre comic sideshow to this tragedy?  Was he dropped out of a spaceship with a bag on his head wearing a See You Next Tuesday name badge? Is his whole existence some kind of advanced social experiment in douche-baggery and plain old bad lawyerin'?

Amendola isn't just making mistakes on the embarrassing public front; he's making them legally as well.  (You can read more about Amendola's early trial decisions in the Wall Street Journal and other smart places, and maybe here on the blog as things progress.)  But for starters, he waived Sandusky's right to a pretrial hearing, which means he waived his first opportunity to get a glimpse at the prosecution's case (the prosecution had 11 witnesses ready to testify).  And before you say that's just a tactical decision, consider that Amendola also said outloud that was a tactical decision, which means he just screwed Sandusky out of a possible last-ditch ineffective assistance of counsel claim if the case goes poorly.   But, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, maybe that's what justice is really about after all: Sandusky getting screwed.
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Write comments
January 18, 2012 at 8:15 PM delete

Is there anything in this article that hasn't been beaten to death already?

I love a sick man's circus, but I think the horse in the image above is already dead a rotting.

January 19, 2012 at 9:52 AM delete

I'm sorry, but I'm of the opinion that there's no such thing as "beating a dead horse" when we're talking about SERIAL CHILD MOLESTATION. You don't just say "been there, done that" and call it a day. You keep reminding everyone, as much as possible, about the sick, twisted shit that Sandusky did (and that his friends helped him do) so that no one is inclined to forget about it. It's because of people turning a blind eye that this crap happened in the first place.

But to answer the question more literally, I personally knew little-to-nothing about Amendola, and I appreciated the convenient summary above.

January 19, 2012 at 10:20 AM delete

As a classic-movie buff and general nostalgist, you guys are lucky that I posted something even remotely current. Next week's See You Next Tuesday: pros and cons of Cary Grant's name change!


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