Help! Will Marriage Make Me Mature?

Are you guys familiar with McSweeny's Internet Tendency?  McSweeny's is Dave Eggers' publishing house, and the Internet Tendency is its daily dry, satirical humor site featuring hand-picked and well-edited columns dedicated to exposing varying incidents of injustice and silliness.  Fan (and my personal) favorite column is usually McSweeny's "Open Letters" section, self-described as "open letters to people or entities who are entirely unlikely to respond."  (Though the short imagined monologue, "I'm Comic Sans Asshole" makes an compelling argument for that category.)

My friend Ashley, whom you might know for her reviewing grammatical eye on my U SUCK @ GRAMMER posts,  just sent me this wonderful McSweeny's open letter that I wanted to share with you, called:

An Open Letter to People Who Judge My Single, Post-College Lifestyle

It's a must-read for late-twenties-somethings who still occasionally frequently engage in collegiate behavior of the moderate binge drinking kind, and it's a rallying cry for those of us who, despite having real jobs and real bills and even sometimes ownership of a few nice things, don't feel the need to stay home on a Friday night or "cook" "healthy" "well-balanced" "meals."

I could sympathize empathize with nearly every sentiment that author, and soon-to-be-generational-hero, Cleo Plagg puts forth, but the contrast she draws between singledom and married-dom got me really concerned.  You see, I'm getting married in a few months, and Ms. Plagg has me nervous that some transformation -- inexplicable to us single folks in the "before" time -- happens on the day of your wedding that leaves you forever lamer and probably makes your honeymoon suck a little.  I've tenaciously held onto my poor choices and irresponsible habits for so long that I don't think I would know what to do with outdoor patio furniture covers or a sober 11pm.  But some of her indictments of married people make me worry about what will happen to me come this June.

The biggest thing that got me was the author's question to her married friends: "Why do I have to make plans with you four weeks in advance?"  Because this particular issue, I have found, is almost universally true and completely distinct between my married and unmarried girlfriends.  So I ask, what is WITH the need to schedule time with married people four weeks out?  When you get married, do you really book up that fast?  Will I suddenly be reserving whole blocks of time for "marital reveling" and "opening Crate and Barrel boxes" and "ring-gazing" and "cuddling?"   Or will my married friends descend upon me and initiate me into a married club that meets every night and weekend for the next foreseeable month?  Like "Skull and Bones," only we meet at Pottery Barn and drink non-alcoholic coffee drinks on weekend nights??  Gone are the days of the impromptu pedicure or margarita -- and in are the days of in-law brunches and Container Store afternoons that "we've had scheduled for weeks now?"

Auntie Mame, my hero.
This led me into a downward spiral of other worries: will I start watching "Rock Center" instead of "Modern Family?"  Will I start eating sitting down at a plate on a table instead of standing over my sink eating out of the receptacle I purchased my food in?  If I'm eating on a plate, do I have to turn the TV off?   May I still wear last night's make-up to a brunch with grown ups that's too early for me to shower for? WILL I START WAKING UP BEFORE NOON ON  A SATURDAY?  WHAT DOES SATURDAY MORNING EVEN LOOK LIKE?  WHAT IF IT'S THE BRIGHTEST THING EVER!?!?  Will I start actually being productive on Saturdays, instead of using the five waking hours of Saturday daytime to pre-game for Saturday night?  How do I handle concerts? Do I start calling them "rock concerts?"  Do I start DRIVING MYSELF to rock concerts?

This "glass" is okay.
On that note, what's this "glass" of wine you keep talking about?  I thought it was called a "bottle."  And, while we're at it, this is MY bottle of dinner wine, did you want your own bottle?   I think for the next few months, I'm going to watch Auntie Mame and "Cougar Town" on repeat and comfort myself with the knowledge that some old people can be fun and drunks.  (Some of those people are married, right?)  Maybe the trick is just to never stop being ridiculous long enough to realize how ridiculous you are and start to contemplate being less ridiculous?  Looks like my 3am side-ponytail is here to stay.
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Write comments
April 13, 2012 at 2:00 PM delete

Freaking love it. Good work, friend. I'm just nervous as you....

April 13, 2012 at 4:12 PM delete

Hilarious, A-Train. I won't spoil the suspense other than to say it starts the day you get back from your honeymoon (we were still drunk and cool then), not with the wedding. HTH

Brandon W
April 16, 2012 at 3:09 PM delete

All this is true, even more so with kids!

June 27, 2012 at 2:17 PM delete

Kitchen sink receptacle dining. I knew it always felt as though someone was watching me! ;)

I say it's time to usher in a new marriage.


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