See You Next Tuesday: Super Duper Recap Version

Alright ladies and gents: it's been a long hiatus, and I apologize sincerely that you've had to endure weeks (months even!) of news and events without anyone to guide you through the worst, dumbest, douchiest, most laughably grotesque stories.  So, to make it up to everyone, I bring you today's "Super Duper See You Next Tuesday," a post chock-full of all the cringeworthy cultural stuff that you might've missed, or worse, not known how to accurately ridicule on your own. 

(For those of you who don't know, [I've made some new friends in my blogging downtime] See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column.  On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see. You can read previous editions here.)

Przbylewski hated teaching to the test.
•  Freakonomics (a book I recently discussed) has a great chapter devoted to how author Steven Levitt caught a massive cheating scandal in Chicago's school system back in 2002 by exposing teachers who had been changing the answers on students' standardized tests after the fact. Levitt sparks an interesting discussion about how high-stakes testing can incentivize desperate teachers to alter student exams in order to maintain statistics, salary, and grade-to-grade promotion. 

A teacher found guilty last week in Atlanta of giving students answers, however, does not bring the same complexity of motives and analysis to her circumstances.  Though more than 100 Atlanta-area teachers have been accused of cheating on standardized tests, fourth-grade math teacher Shayla Smith is a notable standout because of her unique excuse: she had to help the students cheat because they were "dumb as hell."  Why yes, that is a direct quote.

Shockingly, her "dumb as hell" defense was not her smartest move, because a tribunal opted to terminate her.  While this story may be positive for Atlanta classrooms, it's particularly bad for me because I have to go to the downtown Atlanta DMV next week and I'm pretty sure that's where Ms. Smith will be working by then.

•  If anybody wants to party, it seems like 47-year-old Stacy Kerres is a great time.  She was hired to babysit a five-year-old, but while on the clock, Ms. Kerres was found "topless and incoherent" in a hotel parking lot. My favorite excerpt from the report:
Kerres, identified by the cops by a rose and dagger tattoo, was described by officers as lethargic and incoherent.
“I don’t even know where [the boy] is right now,” she reportedly said.
Stacy Kerres, featured here in a rare photo with her top on.
Also worth mentioning: the kid had a babysitter because his mom had gone gambling.  At the time of the story, "[c]ops found no sign of the child’s mom."  Sounds like the kind of kid who's going to need to have his test answers changed in a few years.

•  In a deeply ironic, post-Olympics youth sports tragedy, a 15-year-old javelin thrower with what Gawker called "either worst or best aim" accidentally skewered and killed a judge during a competition.  Understandably, tween fanatics are convinced this stunt was planned as an elaborate early-release trailer for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

•  Another near-Darwin award contender is the guy who nearly suffocated when he tried to ship himself to his girlfriend but got lost in the mail.

Image Source
• In a breaking bit of See You Next Tuesday news, the grandson of the founder of Red Bull and heir to Red Bull's fortune has been arrested today for hitting and killing a police officer with his Ferrari.  But, as anyone who's consumed Red Bull can believe, the crime didn't stop there.  According to The Washington Post:
"Witnesses said they saw the sports car dragging the police officer dozens of meters (feet) as it sped from the crime scene. Police followed oil streaks for several blocks to the gate of [the] family mansion."  
There is speculation that the young driver might "get off easy" because the rich and famous are treated differently by Thailand's legal system.  No word yet on whether the heir's defense will be that he gave the officer wings.

Remember this?
•  Kim Kardashian recently told V Magazine that she would like to be the first reality star to "break the mold" and earn a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The problem with Kardashian gleaning this particular recognition stems from the pesky word "earn."  Apparently her musings in this direction were so misguided that an actual representative from the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce felt the need to comment on them:  the rep told the Hollywood Reporter -- and I'm paraphrasing -- that a crucial part of earning an award for acting is being in the business of acting, otherwise known as being an "actor."  Being an "actor," of course, means being someone who has been employed -- usually multiple times -- in film, theater, or television, or what Kardashian would call "acty-type things."  Kardashian was undeterred, explaining:
“It [reality T.V.] reminds me of rap music. When rap music first came out, people were like, We don’t understand this, what is this, it’s just a fad. But rap music is definitely here to stay, and I think reality shows have proven they are as well. But when something is newer, people don’t really understand it."
Boyfriend Kanye West must be so proud.

•  And, of course, I saved the best for last. Perhaps the most important news of the last few months came just last week, with such perfect poignancy that I knew I had to start writing See You Next Tuesdays again.  No, it had nothing to do with the G.O.P. convention or Voldemort's comments about "legitimate rape" -- it's much more fantastic than that.  Courtney Stodden, child bride of old, creepy Green Mile actor Doug Hutchison (whose union was worthy of an entire See You Next Tuesday a year ago), has just turned 18.  And to celebrate her legality (though she's looked like a botoxed Real Housewife for years), her geezer hubby gave her a dog. Named....

Doug Hutchison looks like Jon Voight slowly melting into a lesbian.
Dourtney.

A dog named Dourtney. Like the dog version of Courtney, so it starts with a "D" instead of a "C," for regular Courtney because it's a dog.  The dog's name is Dourtney.  DOURTNEY.

Other pros of being 18: she's received "at least 4 offers" to do porn!!  FOUR, y'all!  Playboy, however, has publicly said, essentially, "thanks but no thanks and we didn't really mean the first 'thanks'" to her Twitter suggestion that she would pose for the magazine.

This is a great opportunity to remind you about Courtney's amazing Twitter feed (@CourtneyStodden), which, yes, DOES feature of a background of her naked in a bathrub!  And if you can't stomach her tweets raw, there's always the more avante-garde "Courtney Stodden's Tweets Turned Into Beat Poetry By a Drag Queen."

Well, that's it for today, but I expect to be largely back into the swing of blogging, and I have an arsenal of dumbassery to bring you next week.  So, everyone, thanks for reading, and I'll See You Next Tuesday!
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4 comments

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September 4, 2012 at 12:01 PM delete

i give you one word that describes the whole post "damn", have a wonderful... wonder!

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Preston
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September 4, 2012 at 12:05 PM delete

Alison, I assumed the origin of the dog's name to be even worse than "a dog version of Courtney"; I though that it's a combination of Doug and Courtney. Because it's their baby. And that's how you name babies.

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Alison
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September 4, 2012 at 1:46 PM delete

Preston, I didn't even think of that (must be saturated with reading about dumb people). Maybe it's "D" for "Courtney" + "Daddy," seeing as I imagine that's what she calls him.

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emloeb
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September 6, 2012 at 10:06 AM delete

"thanks but no thanks and we didn't really mean the first 'thanks'" = LOVE YOU

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