WTF Wednesday: Because You Thought True Blood Was Just About Weird On-Screen Love Triangles

Spoiler alert if you're, like, on Season 1.
The internet is buzzing with news that Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin — who play steamy lovers Bill Compton and Sookie Stackhouse on HBO's True Blood  welcomed twin babies yesterday. Stephen and Anna, you see, are married in real life, and while this arrangement is much to the delight of True Blood fans, one presumes that it's less delightful for Moyer's ex-girlfriend and babymomma, Lorien Haynes. Haynes, an English journalist, dated Moyer for seven years preceding his True Blood Run, and they have a now 10-year-old daughter together named Lilac.

For a while, there was a fair bit of press speculation as to whether Paquin had "homewrecked" Moyer's relationship with Haynes, seeing as both Moyer and Paquin admit their relationship began with True Blood's pilot episode. (Moyer has consistently denied claims that he left Haynes for Paquin.) Regardless of the circumstances, and regardless of the equanimity of the ending of his prior relationship, I would've assumed that it would still suck (vampire pun!!) for your ex-girlfriend/mother of your child that not only were you dating someone new, but that she was also able to see you having steamy sex with the new girl on T.V. And posters. And billboards. And the internet. All. The. Time.

I say "would've thought," though, because apparently I'm wrong. I was (obviously) reading some gossip mags about Anna Paquin, the True Blood babies, and this love triangle yesterday, and imagine my surprise when I read this article:

Do you see that byline? Let me blow it up for you:
Yup, that's right. The mother of Stephen Moyer's child wrote this article on Anna Paquin, which begins with a lauding introduction about Paquin's Academy Award (no, it wasn't for X-Men, y'all),and includes this paragraph:
Sexual chemistry is arguably what has made True Blood such a success. . . .While filming the first series, Anna and Stephen developed a real-life relationship, which they tried to keep quiet. When they eventually went public it was, says Anna, ‘the worst kept secret on the planet’.
The tacit "yeah, no telling," is discreetly omitted from the page.  (I mean, what? Really?) The article goes on to ask Anna about having kids, and includes the seemingly-genuine compliment:
Hearing her today, aside from her addiction to caffeine (‘my one true vice’), Anna’s only enemy sounds like her formidable work ethic.
At the very end, the interviewer concludes because she "wants to get back to [her] daughter," without ever mentioning that her daughter is also Stephen Moyer's daughter or that Anna is a homewrecking slut.  (Because, I suppose, all signs point to her not being a homewrecking slut.) Surprised by this, I looked back at some of the other articles I'd read, and sure enough:

This NY Post interview with Moyer is also by his ex.  Despite the retardedly cliched title, it's a good interview, and its juicy personal questions are made ten times juicier when you know who's asking:

She writes [with my edits in brackets]:
He's so at ease [because we've slept together], it's hard to believe he and co-star Anna Paquin, are the hottest television couple on TV [hard, but not impossible. Clearly not impossible.]

It's not just the 200-ft. "True Blood" billboards on Sunset Boulevard [that I can't ever effing avoid even when I'm driving to get a goddamn coffee], but the fact that the season two opener trumped all HBO's ratings, bar the finale of "The Sopranos" [instead of sleeping with the fishes, she's sleeping with my ex]. This is not only due to a strong marketing push, but down to the sexual chemistry [it's mostly lighting tricks] between Compton and Sookie Stackhouse (Paquin) [did I say "tricks?" Fitting for a whore].
Their chemistry has traveled off-screen, with Moyer, 39, and Paquin, 27, [SHE'S TWELVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN HE IS! TWELVE! THE MAN HAS TWO CHILDREN!] an item for the past two years and this month denying rumors of an engagement [which they'd better]. 
Truth be told, they are very much together, [like SO much together. Like he's inside of her together, have they mentioned that?] living in Venice, Los Angeles, committed to a mutual relationship with Stephen's children [one of whom is my goddamn flesh and blood] and a future that's filled with Season 3 and potential offspring of their own [and painful imagined deaths and tears and unemployment and cheating and syphilis].
And if you thought it couldn't get better, it jumps off the damn deep end of better. I won't spoil the whole interview, but I will say that the following questions are asked: 
  • You work closely with Anna Paquin. What can you tell us about Anna that people don't know?
  • How often do you see your children, Lilac and Billy? Do they know you are playing a vampire?  
  • Image via The Frisky, who apparently discovered the same thing
  • How do you prepare for the graphic love scenes on "True Blood"?
Either Stephen Moyer has the best, most mature, understanding, adult, enviable ex-girlfriend of all time who turned her connection with Moyer into a positive career boost by securing exclusive and intimate interviews, or Lorien Haynes is embarking on an extreme, Agatha-Christie-style long-form revenge strategy. Only time and eventual heads on sticks will tell.

You can read previous editions of WTF Wednesday here.
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