See You Next Tuesday: Butt-Chugging.

See You Next Tuesday is one of the Boomstick's regular columns. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here. 

I attended the Georgia/Tennesee game this weekend in Athens, Georgia, and was dismayed and disappointed to find a dearth of references to the following news article.  Back in my day, if a SEC rival made national news for some non-fatal fraternity hijinx, I daresay it would've been memoralized on posters and buttons and banners all over campus on gameday.  And if said fraternity hijinx had happend to involve the rectal insertion of girly wine, there would've been no end to the mockery.  Alas, today's crop of undergrads are either more mature or less clever than my peers, because I saw only one - one - allusion this weekend to the event widely referred to as "butt-chugging."

Yes, you read that right, "butt-chugging." A University of Tennessee Pi Kappa Alpha brother was hospitalized the weekend before the UGA/Tennessee game after allegedly being given an alcohol enema that left him with a 0.4 blood alcohol content.  Yes, you read that right, too: 0.4, more than five times the legal limit, more than four times how drunk you were when you punched that cop, and at least two times as drunk as were that time you decided solo karaoke of the Grease medley seemed like a good idea.

The story goes like this: a 20 year-old Pike brother was dropped off at a Tennessee emergency room unconscious.  At first, emergency personnel believed, due to his butt injuries, that the young man had been sexually assaulted. However, further investigation turned up allegations of "butt-chugging" instead.

Unfortunately for the brother, his name has been widely released by the media.  And even more unfortunately, his nickname is "Xander," which may explain why he chose a nice blush wine.  Xander has publicly denied butt chugging (who wouldn't?), but police records tell a different story.  When police arrived to the Pike house on the night of the incident, they found passed out frat boys -- at least one of whom was totally naked -- and blood stains on clothes, tissues, and in the bathroom.  According to the report, one of the other Pike brothers (who also was unfortunately also publicly named and likely thought to be a total tool), told police that the brothers had been butt-chugging.  Of course, it's possible his statement was misinterpreted owing to his drunkeness/tooldom, and perhaps what he meant to say is that they were just "enjoying a manly box of rosé."

The good old days.
Since Xander lived (well, physically lived, the nationwide discussion of his butthole might mean his social life is D.O.A.), the big concern we are left to ponder is: Wait, is this a thing now? Reason magazine editor Jason Sullum says it could be "at least as big a trend as vodka-soaked tampons."  And Business Insider featured a story on butt-chugging titled "The Hot New Way Frat Kids are Getting Drunk," prompting the question, "who writes Business Insider's headlines?"

But seriously, when did drinking alcohol through your mouth become too passé for college kids?  I understand not wanting to taste Franzia now as a grown-up (nothing against boxed wine -- Target-brand Pinot Noir is just far superior), but you people still drink foamy, warm Natty Light and grain alcohol and Jager, for chrissake!  Now all of a sudden your mouth is too good for something? 

Since this story broke, Pike has since been suspended from Tennessee's campus until at least 2015, poor Xander has burned all of his hopes of getting into professional school or a girl's pants, and not-that-far-out-of-college people like me are feeling really, really old.  It's a different world out there (down there?) now.  I'm going to give Daniel Tosh the last word on this one, who commented, "In my day you drank first, and then came the butt stuff."

ADDENDUM, courtesy of Happy Place and my friend Ashley:


SECOND ADDENDUM because this story is SOOOO GOOD and will not die, courtesy of my little brother Scott: 

If you're at work and can't watch the above video but are desperate to know what kind of written statement Xander has released about this issue, here's a PDF.  Question, why isn't anyone telling Xander to keep his mouth shut? This thing would blow over as a footnote of frat legend if he'd just stop talking about it.  Instead, the public appearances revealing that he's a mousy, bespectacled little man, and the rambling apologies invoking how uber-Christian and "not gay" he is, all raise a big "Methinks the lady doth protest too much."  To which, and I'm quoting Happy Place above, Xander would probably respond "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'LADY'? I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M NOT GAY!"

Downloading this thumbnail. this pic was seriously named ButtThumb.jpg
But seriously, this guy needs to just step out of the limelight and stop being so offended.  A) Being offended is a ladything, B) everyone knows butt-chugging isn't gay if you say "no homo" before and after your fraternity brother gives you an enema.  But why not let it go and move on?  I'm beginning to think this guy has Charlie Sheen's handlers.
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6 comments

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Preston
AUTHOR
October 2, 2012 at 11:18 AM delete

Emory's Pike chapter got booted too, didn't it?
Man, is Pike NATIONALLY renowned for dangerous and unfortunately documented dumbassery?

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Robbie
AUTHOR
October 2, 2012 at 11:28 AM delete

This was on Spike TV's 1000 Ways to Die a while back. Goes straight to your bloodstream unfiltered. Scary stuff. And dumb as hell.

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Anonymous
AUTHOR
October 3, 2012 at 11:55 AM delete

Really funny, messed up and sad. Couldn't resist pointing out that as a college classmate of one Clinton Teston, Esq., Clint is in fact a proud member of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity and is credited unofficially with bringing this practice to Georgia universities in early 2003.

P.S. the code, I kid you not, for proving I'm not a robot to post this was "uthomo" plus some numbers, or University of Tennessee Homo." How fitting! I laughed.

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Anonymous
AUTHOR
October 3, 2012 at 4:14 PM delete

I do believe Mr. Clinton "Testes" Teston, Esq. invented buttchugging... I checked Wikipedia.

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Sallie
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April 29, 2013 at 2:10 PM delete

I appreciate him thinking Wizard of Oz is an obvious parallel to butt-chugging.

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